Fun Facts And Animal Attacks
by Red Witch
Summary: Ron Cadillac guest stars on a very special Krieger's Korner. Too bad for him it's the same old programming.


** It's a fact. I don't own any Archer characters. I just get bored when nothing is on TV. Here's more insanity from my tiny little mind. **

**Fun Facts And Animal Attacks **

"Hello!" Krieger waved to the camera. "And welcome back to another fun episode of Krieger's Korner!"

"Here we are inside this beautiful mansion in Beverly Hills," Krieger showed the opulent living room. "And here is today's panel. You know two of our regulars, Pam Poovey and Ray Gillette!"

"Whazzup Internet!" Pam waved.

"We're back!" Ray waved. "Despite pleas to the contrary."

"And you also know one of our guest hosts," Krieger pointed. "Everybody's favorite accountant, Cyril Figgis!"

"I'm just here because I have nothing better to do," Cyril sighed.

"And our special guest today," Krieger introduced. "Ron Cadillac!"

Ron was there as well. "Hey there Internet People! If you're in the Tri-State area by New York and you're looking for the new Cadillacs, you're in luck! All the Ron Cadillac dealerships have them! So, come on down! With a Cadillac, you know what you're getting!"

"Ron is our new sponsor," Krieger explained. "As well as our guest."

"I can't believe you are letting me give some free advertising on your show," Ron said. "Usually for these things I have to pay."

"Oh, trust me Ron," Cyril sighed. "You're going **to pay.** In ways you've never **dreamed** of."

"Always a ray of sunshine Cyril," Ray groaned.

"Okay first it's time for Fun Facts!" Krieger said. "This is the educational part of the show where we give our viewers amazing facts not only about science, but how to improve their lives."

"Is that why you were looking up stuff on the Internet and writing them down?" Ron asked.

"That's pretty much par for the course around here," Ray said.

"It's a free podcast," Krieger said. "You get what you pay for!"

"I'm not going to get much advertising done on this show, aren't I?" Ron groaned.

"I wouldn't say that," Krieger said. "We have relatively high ratings in Bulgarian prisons."

"And there are a bunch of scientists in some Antarctic base that are stuck there," Pam added. "Who are pretty desperate to watch anything that doesn't have a penguin in it."

"Speaking of desperate…" Ray sighed. "Let's start our facts portion of the show, shall we?"

"Did you know that over 30 species of butterflies are endangered or threatened?" Krieger asked.

"That doesn't give you the right to make **new ones**," Cyril said.

"Why not?" Krieger asked.

"You can transport wine easily by slipping socks over bottles," Pam said cheerfully.

"If anyone knows about transporting wine," Ron quipped. "It's a bunch of alcoholics."

"It is illegal in Alabama to own a pet squirrel," Pam said. "Although they have no problems with it being the main course."

"HEY!" Ray snapped.

"_What?"_ Pam snapped. "Up until the 1940's squirrel meat was part of a staple diet in not only Alabama but in a lot of other states. And it's making a comeback in a lot of exotic gourmet sausage meats! Not to mention my aunt who lives down there makes a mean squirrel casserole!"

"I'm guessing there were a few squirrel casseroles in your childhood as well?" Cyril rolled his eyes.

"Oh, like I'm the **only one!"** Pam pointed to both Ray and Krieger.

"_What?"_ Cyril and Ron did a double take.

"I told you that in confidence Pam!" Ray snapped.

"Okay I get Krieger," Cyril was stunned. "He's got weird tastes and he probably eats his own experiments…"

"Only two out of five times!" Krieger said. "If there isn't that much radiation!"

"But you Ray?" Cyril was stunned.

"Look my family wasn't exactly the Rockefellers you know?" Ray snapped. "Hunting and trapping squirrels and rabbits was a way of combating…food insecurity. It was a long time ago! I haven't had squirrel since I graduated high school!"

"I'm gonna level with you guys," Ron admitted. "I had squirrel once too."

"_What?"_ Cyril, Ray and Pam asked as one.

"Okay keep in mind," Ron said. "It was a long time ago. I mean a **long** time ago. My crew and I didn't exactly have that much money. We were young kids hustling just to get by. One day Young Fat Mike had the brilliant idea of opening a hot dog stand. Problem was we didn't have that much money for hot dogs. Lucky for us, Young Fat Mike's uncle was a butcher who had a spare meat grinder. And there were these woods Joey knew about. And he was a real good sharpshooter…"

"Oh, dear Lord," Cyril's face turned pale. "You **didn't!"**

"It wasn't that bad," Ron admitted. "With the right seasonings you couldn't tell it from a regular hot dog. And with the sales we made enough money to invest in some tools. So that we could…build stuff. And eventually that stuff became more stuff. And that more stuff eventually became our first garage…"

"Are you telling me…" Cyril was stunned. "That the beginnings of your car dealership empire…Was founded on _**squirrel meat hot dogs**_?"

"Pretty much yeah," Ron shrugged. "Oh, come on! It was only for a few weeks and nobody got sick or died! And Young Fat Mike put in gourmet hot dogs on the label. And it tasted pretty good. What's the harm?"

"So just to be clear," Cyril said. "I'm the only one here who **hasn't** eaten squirrel meat?"

"Well, to be honest…" Krieger paused.

"_What?"_ Cyril gave Krieger a look.

"Remember those three weeks we were living in San Marcos?" Pam asked. "And you were the dictator running the country? And you had a birthday during that time?"

"Yeah," Cyril blinked. "I got to fire a cannon. Had sex with a maid. Had a little of the Ben Franklin wines and I admit a sniff of cocaine. At least I think it was cocaine. And Archer was in my dungeon. Best birthday ever!"

"Wait, **what?**" Ron asked.

"Remember how your troops gave you that mince pie in appreciation?" Pam asked.

"You mean…?" Cyril did a double take.

"Yup," Ray nodded.

"Oh, that too," Krieger shrugged. "I meant the **other thing**."

"What **other thing**?" Cyril shouted.

"What's this about Cyril being a dictator of San Marcos?" Ron asked.

"Remember how you used to complain about that nest of squirrels just outside your apartment?" Krieger asked. "How they woke you up in the morning and kept you up at night? Kept throwing their nuts at your window?"

"Phrasing," Pam added.

"Yeah and then one day they just…" Cyril blinked. "Stopped…"

"And on that very same day Krieger held a barbecue on the roof?" Pam asked. "With those unusually shaped hamburgers?"

"I thought they tasted gamey!" Cyril shouted. "GOD DAMN IT!"

"Oh," Ray frowned. "So I have eaten squirrels since high school. I thought those burgers had a familiar taste."

"You tricked me into eating squirrels?" Cyril shouted. "WHY?"

"Archer's idea," Krieger shrugged.

"Of course," Cyril groaned. "Wait, he ate those burgers too!"

"He was dating this one chick who was an extreme foodie," Pam explained. "He wanted to brag he ate squirrel so he could nail her."

"And by dating you mean…?" Cyril asked.

"He saw her in a bar and tried to get her to sleep with him," Pam said. "But she wouldn't seal the deal until he proved himself a foodie for some reason."

"Is that why he took several of my squirrel burgers to go?" Krieger asked.

"That's why," Pam nodded. "Turns out eating some kind of weird exotic meat was also on his bucket list. And he figured why not nail a bird and one bush with one dick if you get my drift."

"That man has the weirdest bucket list," Ray mused.

"Scary part is he's only completed half of it," Pam remarked.

"No wonder I had the runs the next day," Cyril groaned.

"Did you know squirrels have been around for thirty-five million years?" Krieger asked cheerfully.

"That's a long time those buggers have been stealing from birdfeeders," Ray remarked.

"They can breed twice a year," Pam added. "And only have a pregnancy lasting from three to six weeks."

"Basically eating a few squirrels isn't going to do that much damage," Krieger added.

"TELL THAT TO MY ORGANS!" Cyril shouted. "Oh God!"

"Those instances were **years ago**!" Ray snapped. "You big baby! Hell, you've had drugs and alcohol more dangerous than a little squirrel meat."

"You're right," Cyril groaned. "Compared to all the other shit Krieger has given me, squirrel meat is kind of tame."

"Speaking of tame," Ron spoke up. "You were **a dictator**? You? Of an **actual country? **How did** that happen?" **

"Here's some interesting facts about squirrels," Pam said. "Did you know that squirrels have been used in espionage? Iran 'arrested' 14 squirrels covered in spy gear close to the border."

"I was so sure the Squirrel Squad would work," Krieger sighed. "Boy did the CIA give Ms. Archer and me a headache about **that!"**

"Definitely one of your nuttier plans," Ray quipped.

"Grey squirrels are called living fossils because they haven't changed in over 37 million years," Pam added. "Cue the Ms. Archer joke."

"NO MORE SQUIRREL FACTS!" Cyril snapped.

"Fine!" Krieger threw out an index card from his pocket. "There goes ten minutes of filler we'll never get back!"

"So, we're just going to skate past the fact that Cyril was a dictator?" Ron asked. "Is that what I'm sensing now?"

"Let's just move onto other facts, shall we?" Cyril groaned.

"Aw nuts!" Pam snapped her fingers.

"PAM!" Cyril snapped.

"HA!" Pam laughed.

"Here's a fact," Krieger said. "One emu egg can weigh as much as 12 chicken eggs."

"That must make for one hell of an omelet," Ron quipped.

"Unlike dogs," Ray said. "Cats don't have a sweet tooth."

"Then all those Garfield comics where he's eating the donuts and cake are way off," Pam realized.

"Emus have no teeth so they swallow pebbles to help digest their food," Krieger added.

"I should try that sometime," Pam thought. "What? Even I forget to chew sometimes!"

"Even though emus are flightless," Krieger said. "They can run up to thirty miles per hour."

"I can go faster than that," Ray said. "Especially if there's a sale at Lord and Taylor."

"Emu egg shells have multiple layers," Krieger showed them something. "The art of carving Emu eggs is called Kalti Paarti. Like this one."

"Wow, Krieger…" Cyril looked at it. "Where did you get that?"

"From Cheryl's bedroom," Krieger said. "She's got a whole set of these things in there."

"Look at the intricate detail," Ray whistled.

"That's some fancy-dancy stuff all right," Ron nodded.

"RRARRRRRKKKKK!"

"What was that?" Ron blinked.

"I believe it was some kind of animal noise," Krieger coughed.

"Thank you for clearing that up," Ray said sarcastically. "What kind of animal noise?"

"RRAAWWWWKWKKKK!"

"Is that Babou?" Cyril asked.

"No, Babou doesn't sound like that," Pam remarked. "Is that the parrot?"

"No, I don't think so…" Ray said. "Too guttural to be a parrot."

"RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWK!"

"Well it can't be the zebra," Ray said.

"Krieger are we going to keep playing Guess The Animal Sound until you tell us what it is?" Ron sighed.

"Why are you asking me?" Krieger asked.

"Because I've been paying attention all these years," Ron gave him a look.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Cheryl was heard screaming off camera. "GET AWAY! GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"That's Cheryl," Pam said. "I know that sound. That is definitely Cheryl."

"What's she caterwauling about **now?"** Ray asked.

"If you're anxious about something," Krieger suggested. "Try imagining something unusual. Like a pink polar bear."

"Dear God Krieger," Cyril gasped. "You didn't actually **make** a pink polar bear, did you?"

"No!" Krieger protested. "I didn't make a pink polar bear! That's ridiculous!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHH!" Cheryl ran by.

Soon after her a purple large flightless bird ran after her screaming. "RRAWWWKKK!" It cried out, knocking over furniture.

Krieger paused a beat. "I made a purple emu."

"Is that why you were spouting out emu facts like it was an insurance commercial?" Pam asked.

"Oh, for the love of God Krieger!" Cyril shouted. "Why the hell did you…? AAAHHH!" The gang scattered as the emu came towards them.

"WHY KREIGER WHY?" Ray shouted.

"I admit I got the idea from watching TV," Krieger said.

"AAHHHH!" Cyril and Cheryl ran by the camera being chased by the emu again.

DOING!

"Cheryl ran into a wall!" Cyril shouted. "It's okay. She only hit her head. AAAHHH!" He ran by the camera with the emu after him.

"No worries," Pam called out. "We'll just tell her she had another frickin' hallucination! She'll buy it!"

"Well who's going to buy a purple emu?" Ray shouted.

"No worries!" Krieger called out. "I'll just call my clone who works at animal control and…WHOAAA!"

Krieger ran by carrying the emu egg. "I think it wants the egg!" Krieger shouted as the emu chased him. "Boy is it pissed!"

"It's not the only one!" Ray was heard shouting.

"I thought emus were supposed to be docile?" Pam shouted.

"Don't tell me! TELL THE EMU!" Cyril shouted.

"Do all your shows end like this?" Ron was heard shouting.

"RAWWWWWKK!" The emu ran by again.

"Not **all** of them," Pam admitted. "But it is getting pretty predictable by now."

"This is Ron Cadillac saying please buy my cars," Ron ran up and looked into the camera. "I need the money to move out of this nuthouse!"


End file.
